That feeling that violently decomposes us and leaves us submerged into total vulnerability and handicap, as if the other were to suddenly go with that person, forgetting us forever, leaving us abandoned and rejected. That rage that gives us when we see the loved one, apparently felt as a private property, that is moved by other interests, making it clear that we are not its center or its focus of permanent attention.
We refuse to share with that loved person, because it threatens everything that is reaffirmed in us. If the look of mama says that I am “the most beautiful thing in the world” and then another king of beauty appears, it is evident that it was an illusion. Sharing it is accepting that I am worth as much as everyone and no more, that what unites us is a link with effects, with stories and meanings, irreplaceable, but not exclusive.
To think that the inclusion of others in a link enriches the relationship, is a betrayal of all my childhood desires for superiority and possession.
Learning to link up is already difficult – it requires respecting the other – and linking up with others who are in relationship with each other and with me at the same time, means recognizing them the complex capacity to be in many simultaneous relationships, without having to abandon any, without despising anyone.
In a Triad (mother, father, and son; three friends, boss and subordinates, etc.), two may compete for the attention of a third party, or two may relate to each other based on a third party (for example, a pair of parents who raises their son). Each member of the triad can actively participate in two dyads (couple, mother – son; father – son), and at another time each member can participate passively (observing, enjoying, caring, etc.) as a third party, and finally, as an active member of the triad. Learning to share in a group means being able to assume these different positions in a flexible way depending on the performance of the group.
Abandoning the gratifications of a very close dyadic relationship, in pursuit of the riches of shared links, where others can contribute where I cannot, allows all members of the general group better solutions for all.
However, each link requires of certain spaces of exclusivity, confidentiality and intimacy, where there is no room for third parties, and the intrusion of these denotes a want or lack in the link or failure or break that needs to be recognized so that it can be separated.
Many jealousies speak of a dyad that has not been able to conform well, of a lack of real intimacy and trust. Other jealousy keeps this intimate space of the many possible competencies and threats. And there is also jealousy that denotes how easily people are placed in competition with another for the loved one.